Picking your mate
#campcrafting 009: How campcrafting changes your quest to find love
Previously, we explored the art and science of dating within the structure of an Honor Group. By fostering strong friendships first, we significantly reduce the pressure associated with finding a perfect partner. In the campcrafting context, your partner doesn't need to meet every need but should complement a well-balanced communal life. This approach sets realistic expectations for relationships and promotes healthier connections. Therefore, the emphasis should be on developing a tightly-knit Honor Group initially, which then serves as a strong foundation for seeking and understanding potential mates.
Building on that foundation, today's focus shifts toward identifying the specific traits that make for an ideal pair-bond in the campcrafting context. What qualities should we prioritize? How do they align with the values of our Honor Groups? Let's consult the Hadza hunter-gatherers of Tanzania for insight into their philosophy of attraction.
1. Camp sexiness
Anthropologists working with the Hadza have assessed their mate preferences by asking them what they find sexy in their mates. Review this table broken down by the seven different trait categories. We can gain a sense of how the Hadza priorities mate traits by looking at how long the list is within each category. The longer the list, the more they depend on that trait in their mate choice.
Do these traits sound familiar? They might, and a few could even surprise you. For hunter-gatherers like the Hadza, character is essential. Among the forty-eight traits considered, sixteen (33%) emphasize the importance of personality in mate selection. Physical appearance follows as the second most valued set of traits, accounting for 21%, while practical work skills rank third with 17%. Basic stats show character is 60% more valued than looks! Other traits such as fidelity, fertility, intelligence, and youthfulness also play significant roles. Notably, the combination of personality and diligent work ethic—often seen as conscientiousness—comprises a substantial portion of desirable traits. For the Hadza, character is undeniably attractive.
In campcrafting, selecting a mate transcends mere physical attraction. We distinguish between “hotness”—a visceral response to physical allure igniting the lust drive for genetic diversity and quick satisfaction—and “beauty,” which integrates personality, character, and essence into a lasting form of attraction. The Hadza seem to find beauty (over hotness) in their mates. For hunter-gatherers engaged full time in campcrafting, beauty is in the character of the beheld.
2. Mate Assessment and the Big Five
If the initial interactions with your group are positive, consider a deeper compatibility test by having your date take the Big Five personality assessment. This tool can provide valuable insights and help determine if both of you are truly ready to commit to a more serious, long-term relationship.
The Big Five traits can significantly influence the dynamics of a relationship:
Openness: This trait is beneficial for initially attracting a mate and handling relationship conflict. However, high openness may also lead to seeking alternatives if dissatisfaction arises. When picking a mate, seek someone who shares your level of openness to foster both adventure and stability.
Conscientiousness: This trait is essential for relationship maintenance, with highly conscientious partners more likely to seek and offer forgiveness. Low conscientiousness can increase the risk of relationship breakdown. Look for a partner who demonstrates reliability and a strong sense of duty, as these qualities often lead to a deeper investment in the relationship.
Extraversion: Important in the early stages of dating, extraversion can influence how enjoyable and lively initial interactions are. However, as relationships deepen, it's beneficial to find balance if extraversion levels differ. During the dating phase, engage in activities that suit both your socializing styles to ensure both partners feel comfortable and valued.
Agreeableness: Highly agreeable individuals tend to have smoother relationships with fewer conflicts and more forgiveness. Disagreeable individuals may struggle with more frequent and intense conflicts. In selecting a mate, consider how they handle disagreements and their ability to empathize, as these will greatly impact the relationship's overall health.
Neuroticism: This trait is a strong predictor of relationship challenges, with high neuroticism linked to negative expectations and outcomes in partnerships. Seeking similarity in neuroticism levels can enhance relationship satisfaction. Understand your own level of neuroticism and look for a partner who complements or balances your emotional style to build a more resilient bond.
Understanding these traits in yourself and your potential partner can lead to more informed decisions, better conflict resolution, and a deeper, more satisfying relationship.
3. When to stop?
In the maze of modern dating, where choice paralysis often overshadows commitment, the concept of "optimal stopping" emerges as a mathematical lifeline. This theory, originally proposed by 19th-century mathematician Arthur Cayley and popularized by Hannah Fry in The Mathematics of Love, provides a strategy for making timely, effective decisions—whether it’s buying a house or choosing a mate.
Consider a hypothetical scenario where you can marry anyone you choose, but you're limited to selecting from a pool of one hundred candidates. The optimal strategy? Reject the first thirty-seven candidates, then choose the next one who surpasses all previous contenders. This approach statistically offers a 37% chance of selecting the best match.
In the campcrafting dating landscape, start with clarity about your goals, treating first dates as pivotal evaluations of compatibility. As relationships progress, involve your camp members in the evaluation process, akin to the Turkana nomads of Kenya, where family input can decisively influence or even veto potential partnerships. Employ the Big Five personality assessments and utilize optimal stopping theory when ready to commit. Using these strategies can help you forge enduring romantic relationships that also maximize cohesion within your camp.